worship

worship: "to have or express feelings of profoud adoration"

I had so many surprising moments of worship in China.  We had team devotionals and a prayer time, but it was more than that to me.  I worshipped mainly when I was photographing kids and their interactions with our team-mates. 

The building where we stayed has huge, beautiful windows that let in a lot of natural sunlight.  For a photographer, it's a dream location.  I felt like every picture was perfect - was exactly how it felt - and photographed so easily because of the setting. 

What a blessing to be able to capture those moments.  And to feel joy in doing so.  It was really incredible.

**DISCLAIMER: I realize it's a little ironic that I am posting about photography with no pictures.  While I do plan to edit this post with a few "non-kid" photos, I have decided to not post pictures of the children on my blog.  If you are interested in seeing either a slideshow or a gallery of images, I can privately send you a link.  E-mail me!**

on being "unplugged"

I went to China with few expectations.  I knew what I needed to do for my trip and knew about the organization I went with - Show Hope.  That was about all.  I wanted to truly "experience" it fully - as something completely different than anything I was used to.  I did, and it was wonderful.

Since being back in the United States, I have been missing how "unplugged" I was over there.  I didn't have cell service, usually couldn't use my computer, and couldn't get iMessage or FaceTime to work, even when the wireless internet was working.  

And, it was beautiful.  Pure.  Restful.

It allowed me to do things like TALK to people.  Journal my thoughts/events of the day.  Listen to music.  Or best of all - just BE - in silence.  Without the temptation of facebook, e-mails, instagram, and text messages, I could use my time for other things.  And, I'm so glad that I did.  What's even more amazing is that nothing exploded.  My clients waited for me to get back.  The online bills can be paid now.  The e-mails went nowhere except to my inbox, and they are still there.  

And, I came back a better person for the experience of it.  

One of Show Hope's "core commitments" is James 1:27, which talks about pure religion including care for orphans.  I was lucky to experience this "purity."  Life seems much simpler there; I am so grateful that I got to experience it...

(more to come soon!)

I left my heart in China.

Many children in China have my heart.  I'm not sure that I'll ever get it back.  One sweet little boy has many medical problems, but when I walked in the room, he nothing but smiled and giggled.  My moments in his room were full of joy and of worship and of love; those sweet, pure moments are times I will never forget!

I realize that a lot of you guys may not know what Show Hope is or is really about.  It's a "movement to care for orphans."  Their main ministry right now is two-folded.  They give grants to families who are adopting internationally.  They also work to care for special needs orphans in China.  There are four centers in areas of China who take on children who would have just been left to die.

For whatever their conditions were, often the children were left in a small room to die.  Orphanages didn't know what to do with children with Down's Syndrome, cerebral palsy, cleft lip/palate, bad malnutrition, brain syndromes, spine abifida, etc.  The founders of this organization asked if they could have a room to start caring for these children, and it has now grown to these special care centers.

I did not know what to expect, but I could not have had a better experience there.  I worked with an incredible group of people on my team who encouraged me the entire time.  I'm actually going to be blogging about my experiences there over the next few weeks, so if you're interested, check back!  

I did blog once for Show Hope while I was over there, so if you're interested, CLICK HERE.

Remembering Mom #5

It's really incredible how much I miss my Mom.  I think about my counselor Gordon a lot, when he says that sorrow and joy are emotions that should exist simultaneously.  I'm so glad he told me that because it makes me feel "normal."  The reason I miss Mom so much is because she brought such joy to my life.  That brings me sorrow.  Those emotions have to co-exist, or I couldn't make it through.

I often try to call my Mom.  I know that my siblings do, too.  She would love to hear about what's going on in all our our lives.  She would love to meet my boyfriend.  She would love to see Mason (my nephew), naked and attempting to clean the bathroom.  She would love to help Riley (my niece) put on her fake nails.  :)  It's just wrong that I can't share that with her.

The only way that I can fathom moving on is to enjoy the life that she led.  What I feel like honors her is to strive to be the woman she was.  There wasn't a selfish bone in her body, and everyone around her felt loved.  Oh, how I long to be that person.  I long to be like her.

And, I won't ever quit wanting her to be here.  I look back on my life with my Mom as a beautiful thing, yet I hate the new phase of life that doesn't include her.  I'm longing to not hate it -- because she would frown on that.

a little update...

Oh, my Mom would've LOVED to have seen this pictures.  I've over and over again gone through the pictures, finding new ones that I love more than the last.  I can't get past this one, though.  It's just so perfect...  so sweet, so simple.  Ugh, I love it!

Many, many, many thanks (again) to my friend Jessica for shooting with me.  This image is hers, and I'm forever grateful that she captured it!!

The last few days I've had this overwhelming amount of gratitude in thinking about my Mom.  It's really incredible all the things that you realize you should've been thankful for...  the hours she spent doing laundry, the hundreds of pieces of fruit she cut up and peeled for us to eat, the sacrifices she made to save for us to go on vacation - she really was extraordinary.

I still don't like using past tense with my Mom.  It just sucks.  Every

time I talk about her, I have to think about being grammatically correct; I'm just constantly reminded she is gone.  

If she were here, I promise she'd cry at the picture above.  And the slideshow I put together of Bridgette and Chad:

click here to see their wedding day slideshow

Mr. and Mrs. Cagle

 Tera.  She's just a doll.  She and I go back to 6th grade, and she hasn't changed a bit - that's what I love about her.  I was more than honored to capture her big day.  The picture above shows a pendant that she carried in memory of her grandmother, which I just thought was so, so special.

 Yes, Tera is one of those girls... beautiful, tall, slender, gorgeous!!!  She really is, though, as beautiful inside as she is on the outside.  She's kind and easy-going and thoughtful and friendly - she was a gracious hostess as a bride.

 This cowboy sure does clean up well.  :)  And, they're just full of love for each other.  The ceremony and reception were just PERFECT.

Many congrats to you both, Bobby and Tera.  Thanks for the honor of being there!

And, many, many, many, many thanks to my friend Jessica Wright for joining me to capture this day. 

CLICK HERE TO SEE THEIR WEDDING SLIDESHOW.  :)

longing for "home"

A year ago today, my sweet Mom went to be with Jesus.  I'm not sure how to process this day, mostly because I haven't known how to process this past year.  I long to feel at "home" the way I felt with her.  Nothing feels right.  Life feels more black-and-white than full of color when I'm missing her.  There's a lot that is gone.  

I've walked through many emotions over this last year, and I know I'll continue to do that.  Today I am just sad.  Sad that I can't tell her about San Francisco.  Sad that I'm planning a family beach trip without my "family."  Sad that she won't know her children's spouses or her future grandchildren.  It just often doesn't seem fair.

More than ever, I'm aware of the fact that this world is not our home.  And, I long to be home...  There isn't a place right now that feels like a home to me, and I want that haven.  I hope that the longing I feel draws me closer to Jesus.