Beauty in Death

(Warning. This is a raw post about death and suffering. Just want you to know before reading.)

If you know me, you probably know that my Mom has been battling cancer now for almost 6 years. She is the bravest person I know and has battled this because of her love. She loves life so much that she wants to live for it - for me, my siblings, my niece and nephew, my dad, her friends, her church... I'm very sure that she is the most giving person I know.

Very recently we found out that she has brain cancer, which essentially means that the cancer has just gone to her brain now. From the way it appears, we are in the last few weeks, maybe even days of her life, and my world is vast with emotions. I am grateful that Jesus is near to her. I am jealous that she is closer to heaven than all of us. I admire that her faith is so strong that she has full confidence in her Savior. I am mad that I won't grow up any longer with a mother. I grieve over the sadness that I see in her body. I fear the next few days and what that means for her body. I cry when I see old pictures of my family. I laugh at stories that Mom has told maybe a few too many times. I am confused about how I am supposed to feel and how to go about life like this.

So, I take things one day at a time. I am surrounded by things that remind me of my Mom, of the love that she has for me as a daughter, of the strong and believing Christian that she has always been, of the constant sacrifice she has made each day of her life. I long to be the mother, daughter, friend, believer, sister, aunt, and companion that she has been in her life. If you know Mom, you know that is not an easy task to take on because she is the best, but I long to live like she has lived.

In the midst of all of this, I am so grateful for how I have changed and grown. I love better and want to be a better person. I know stronger of the bonds that I have in my family and fight for those on a daily basis. I remember on a moment-to-moment basis of the blessings that we have. I focus on living each day in a way that would be pleasing to God and make my dear mother proud.

I long to be someone who treats others as if they were in my shoes. Or mom's shoes. Or anyone else's shoes dealing with terminal cancer. May God make me a compassionate, kind, loving, generous person and nurse each and every single day.

And from the bottom of my heart, Mom, I am proud to be your daughter. I won't ever forget you, and I can't wait to tell my husband and children about the incredible life I have had with you. Thank you for what you have done for me; I could not have asked for more.