It's really incredible how much I miss my Mom. I think about my counselor Gordon a lot, when he says that sorrow and joy are emotions that should exist simultaneously. I'm so glad he told me that because it makes me feel "normal." The reason I miss Mom so much is because she brought such joy to my life. That brings me sorrow. Those emotions have to co-exist, or I couldn't make it through.
I often try to call my Mom. I know that my siblings do, too. She would love to hear about what's going on in all our our lives. She would love to meet my boyfriend. She would love to see Mason (my nephew), naked and attempting to clean the bathroom. She would love to help Riley (my niece) put on her fake nails. :) It's just wrong that I can't share that with her.
The only way that I can fathom moving on is to enjoy the life that she led. What I feel like honors her is to strive to be the woman she was. There wasn't a selfish bone in her body, and everyone around her felt loved. Oh, how I long to be that person. I long to be like her.
And, I won't ever quit wanting her to be here. I look back on my life with my Mom as a beautiful thing, yet I hate the new phase of life that doesn't include her. I'm longing to not hate it -- because she would frown on that.